~January 26 (Day 100), 2009

It still surpasses my understanding how I would be a candidate for such an award, but neither do I regret ever being drafted. But how I see my self, is quite distinct from how people see me. I do admit, I struggle with trying to do what is good and pleasing to His eyes, but for me to be honored is beyond my expectation and wanting. Still, I am thankful that even when I know I am down, low and out for the count, many still believe in me that I can do great things, and that I have the potential to be a leader.

            Walking down the road where memory may lie, I see my walk, not as straight as anyone might guess. I see crooked lines and infected lives, not a very good sight to those who look up. I used to look at the mirror with contempt and disbelief, thinking how I put my self in (lets just say) “awkward” or rather “weird” circumstances. And for me to speak just about who I am, I used to simply break into tears and say, “Who am I really?”

            It was roughly four years ago when I took my life seriously, planning about my future, where I’d go to college and more. My family introduced me to the church and soon enough I was caught up in the high. I was a “baby” then in the Faith as you say, accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was new to all this Christian stuff, and became just like those newly converts who’d go to church, sing songs and receive happily the message; something like the seed among the rocks. I pushed my self enough to join ministries in the church cause I wanted more of His Word, I wanted more spiritual high. I began to join outreaches, be more active in school and church, and even got my self baptized as a Christian. I would seek what I thought was right and right what I thought was wrong. I never cared what the said or how they slandered me for my Faith. Because it was all right, and they’ll get why one day.

            I served in the ministry for a while; playing in the bands, singing in the choir, setting up for events, teaching and preaching in outreaches. My heart beat only for Him who gave me a purpose, who gave me a heart to beat with. Everything was well, everything was good. Don’t you think so? But sad to say that on occasion (and this may happen often), one sneaky predator stalked and watched me off my guard. Pride got the best of me. In small but repetitive ways, pride crept its self up to the point where I would lie to get what I wanted. I’d push for MY selfish goals because in the subconscious, I thought of following God whenever it pleases ME, not Him. To put it in a gist, I only asked God when it best fit my need. And this, of course, this displeases God, for who am I, the creation, command THE Creator? I didn't’t notice it from the start, but even when I finally started to notice my destructive behavior towards God and myself, I shun my self from the Light. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of God. I saw my sin, and felt ashamed to enter his ever holy and loving presence.

            This lasted for a while, the agony, torture and defeat, or rather victory of the Evil One. In the dark I tried to live my life the best I could. Yet I could not, because I had no more driving force. Everything I did, I questioned, “What’s the point?” (Even though I strived and struggled to do what’s right). I couldn't’t take it anymore and cried every night wishing I wasn't’t so stupid to make those wrong day-to-day choices. Then when I thought I couldn't’t fall any harder, I hear a voice so familiar like one I haven’t heard from a long time. I couldn't’t believe God would take back this hardened then broken heart of mine and rebuild the pieces of my broken and shattered heart. For God to take me back after I have done all this and tell me “I would never leave you nor forsake you” was the most tear dripping moment I’ve ever had. I do not deserve His Love, but he willingly gave it all for me.